It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
PANTIES FOUND
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