Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
