Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
