i permit you to call me
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
