return my video game
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
