My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
