i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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