put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i think my cat just said my name.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
