I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
