sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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