So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i came on her dog
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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