Can i not drive my cunt home
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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