We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
