I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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