In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Say something about gay babies.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
