the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You've changed since you got that strap on
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
