im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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