my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
