More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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