I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
