I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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