i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
