No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
His nipple licking is glorious
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