Me. At least after what I've been through.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
