dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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