shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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