the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
