I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
