I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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