The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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