just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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