did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
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I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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