got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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