yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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