Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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