i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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