Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
