Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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