I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
