I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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