I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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