i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
