i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
