I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
