Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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