i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
