well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
