My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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