I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize