And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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