I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
