the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
