so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.