You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.