If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
