She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
