I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
