Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
