He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
