dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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