if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
