Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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