I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
