i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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