I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
